Living With Uncertainty

Our brains are wired to seek certainty. Definite answers are comforting; they make us feel safe. The one certainty about life, though, is that it’s uncertain. PFIC families know this all too well.

The typical human response to uncertainty is to try to make it go away. This is what we’re doing when we imagine or plan for possible futures. You might, for example, take the time to learn about treatments that your child may need down the road. It’s natural to want to be prepared, and in the right quantity, planning and preparation are helpful—essential, even.

Sometimes, though, our efforts to reduce uncertainty do more harm than good. An example of this is when we get stuck in fearful thought loops, imagining worst-case-scenarios over and over again. These patterns erode our mental health, get in the way of meaningful connection with the people we love, and negatively impact our decision-making abilities.

When you find yourself overwhelmed by uncertainty or stuck in thought patterns that aren’t serving you, here are some strategies to try:

Notice it, and name it.

When you are fully absorbed by a daymare about all of the things that might go wrong for your child, your body reacts to those thoughts as if they are actually happening in the real world. Your nervous system launches into a state of fight, flight, or freeze. Over time, this can harm your health, negatively impact your sleep, erode well-being, and make it difficult for you to connect with your loved ones.

When you step back from the thought spiral enough to notice that you’re having repetitive and fearful thoughts, the power of these thoughts diminishes. Why? Because for that brief moment, your brain and body realize that the scary thought is just a thought. For the time being, you are separating yourself—the observer of your thoughts—from the thoughts themselves. This might not make the thoughts go away, but it helps to put them in perspective.

The same goes for feelings. If you notice the feeling of fear in your body and name it (“I’m feeling really scared right now”), you are reminding your body that your fear is just a feeling. Even the most powerful feeling is only one small piece of reality in any given moment. Once you realize this, you can begin to notice other feelings and sensations, too, like the sensation of your feet pressing against the ground or the sensation of your child’s hand in yours or your feeling of love for that incredible little person. Will these other feelings make the fear go away? Maybe not. But when we make space for other feelings to sit alongside our fear, the intensity of that fear diminishes.

Normalize it.

Everything you have ever thought or felt—whether as a PFIC parent or otherwise—is a normal part of the human experience. When we imagine that we are alone in our thoughts or feelings, they become more overwhelming. When we imagine that we are alone in our uncertainty, it becomes all-consuming. Try this: when you’re feeling overwhelmed by uncertainty (or any big thought or feeling), say to yourself, “This is really hard, but it’s natural to feel like this. It’s a normal part of the human experience.” Another way to normalize your own experience is to connect with others who understand it. A PFIC support group can be one way to do that!

Nourish yourself.

You probably don’t have huge swaths of time to spend on self-care. (If you do, that’s wonderful; use it!) But most people can find the time to insert micro moments of self-kindness into their day. What counts as self-care? Anything that feels nourishing to you and offers you an emotional boost. Make a list of things that you can do very quickly when you are overwhelmed or depleted. Examples might include listening to a favorite song, brewing a cup of tea, stepping outside, taking a few deep breaths, repeating a soothing mantra, petting your dog or cat, slowly savoring a piece of chocolate, reading an inspirational quote, asking for a hug, or looking at a picture of a beautiful place. Once you’ve made your list, put it somewhere where you’ll see it regularly. 

Find meaning.

Even though you can’t control exactly how your life or your child’s life unfolds, you do get to decide how to tell the story. We are all storytellers, whether we intend to be or not. All day long, our brains are busy making meaning of our lives, crafting our past, present, and future into narratives in our mind. Notice your own stories, and explore how you can use them to add a deeper sense of meaning or purpose to your daily life. An example of a potentially helpful story could be “the hard things in my life are helping me to grow” or “I don’t know what will happen next, but uncertainty is part of being human; it links me to everyone else.” It would be nice if we could move through the above steps one time and then never feel plagued by uncertainty again! Unfortunately, that’s not how this works. These steps are tools to return to over and over again. If you find yourself ruminating on anxious thoughts, or if you are feeling disconnected from loved ones, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. In fact, when you notice that you’re in that place, you’re already succeeding! Noticing is the first and most important step and opens up the door for us to name our experience, normalize it, nourish ourselves, and find meaning amidst the uncertainty.

Mental Health Support Group

If you or a loved one would like to join the next Mental Health Support Group Session, go to our events calendar. There you can see when the next session is and register: https://www.pfic.org/our-events/